and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
