just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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