Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize