I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
