someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
