I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize