??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
