Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
