Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
