did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
