how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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