six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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