The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
