I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
