I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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