Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
