um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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