I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The Olympian is in my bed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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