Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
