Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
