Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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