last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
