I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
