Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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