I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
