Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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