I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
