if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
