Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
