Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize