remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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