I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
