I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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