Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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