I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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