Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
