Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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