Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
