After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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