We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
