Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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