guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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