the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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