I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize