Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize