worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
