Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
