ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
