so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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