Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I love you. Go after that dick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
