Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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