If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
