he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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