You really coming over, don't trick.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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