You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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