Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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