Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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