it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
