my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the raccoons are back...
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